I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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