Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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