She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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