She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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