If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she told me i tasted like america
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
