The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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