My liver just broke up with me...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
