4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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