Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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