You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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