I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
