I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
