i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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