I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
