i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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