There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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