I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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