shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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