how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
