I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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