Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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