Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
