Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
