life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
