Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
