Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
