So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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