Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
