My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
COCAINE IS GR8
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
