i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
