I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
