he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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