When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
