im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
