I hate all girls vehemently.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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