I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
