when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
