I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
