dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
