Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
