I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
