I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
not ubering you a puppy
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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