Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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