i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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