he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
