if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
