Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
