i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
