Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
