Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
