Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
