Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
