I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
