I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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