I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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