I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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