I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
