Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize