just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
