...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
