Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize